I Fucked Greg He Was Lame

I decided to go for the slightly catchy title tonight. It's not true. I didn't fuck Greg, so I don't know if he was (or wasn't) lame.

What is fucked though is the fact that I spent a good amount of the drive from Portland to Seattle trying to sort out some feelings that I've been having which open me up to all sorts of old wounds and vulnerability (*shout out to my homie - you know who you are). 

In case you missed it, back in March I went on a trip to Bali with a group intending self-development. Unfortunately, what it truly turned out to be was an emotionally abusive cult that demolished any semblance of self to monger profit for the instructor (though some might argue that point - read the book when it comes out and you'll get what I'm saying). And while it should have left a sour enough taste in my mouth to never want to talk or hear about it, when I saw that not many months later some of the people who were in Bali with me are back in Ubud with the same abusive, succubus of a human (teacher)... I got jealous. I sat in the guest bedroom of my little sister's home and looked at photos of these folks doing things we did when we were there not but a few months ago and I literally felt the feelings of envy and sadness. 

So, on my drive, I'm left to ponder, why is it that something which basically depleted me of my own power and confidence would ever warrant such a longing response? Enter the downward spinning spiral into reflection of relationships past. Let's be honest, this is never a door you want to go through. It can benefit you but it's also not the most fun subject reviewing why you're completely fucked in the head.

Regardless, I started looking at the last impactful relationship I participated in... which was over a year ago... which essentially broke my heart. And I start looking at the person it was with and how he treated me not just within that time period but in the entirety of our relationship as friends. Short version, not good. Not only did I keep him in my life. I kept him in my life for a long time. Much longer than he deserved. And I'm not alone in this. I look to my friends and family and I see people who are willing to take back a cheater or an abuser or someone who generally does not deserve to be taken back. I see people who undervalue themselves with their jobs and never fight for money that they truly are owed. 

Why? What is the outstanding problems within us that we accept that which is less than? Is it because we feel we get what we deserve? Is it because we feel if we let go of something we won't find something bigger/better? Is it because we envy what someone else has?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if tomorrow we could wake up and truly have a Saturday Night Live moment where we looked ourselves in the mirror and said, "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me." Why is that so damn hard. 

I propose this, party people: Starting today we are good enough, smart enough, sexy enough, powerful enough, strong enough - to not get sucked into envy or misery or anything that doesn't feel 100% authentic to what we need or want. I propose that we move into tomorrow completely looking out for ourselves and truly putting the oxygen mask on ourselves first - because if we can't breath we certainly can't help the person next to us. And, I propose we just stop with the bullshit of the wanting what we don't have because that never gets us where we need to go - which is forward... not sideways and certainly not backwards.

Pinky swear with me. Starting today. We are everything and we only accept something comparably on that level. 

Heather Kohos