Decisions, decisions

As I drive up the coast, I'm ever so slightly zoning out and thinking about a conversation that came up last night with some friends (new and old). Decisions. We're faced with them every day and every day we make them. Some are simple: wine or whisky. Some are complicated: do I stay or do I go. With every decision we're expected to believe that there is a right or wrong resolve. And to that I say BULLSHIT. I say that whatever the choice is... is the choice. There is no right. There is no wrong.

We get caught up in the "what ifs". Holding onto some made up idea of what someone might say or do. We hold onto what we will miss out on if we choose "wrong" #fomo. But the truth of the matter is, what ifs are just like jealousy. Its a made up thought process that keeps you from realizing what your gut is screaming. "IF YOU MAKE THIS CHOICE YOU'LL BE FREE." "EVEN THOUGH THAT MODEL IS BEAUTIFUL IT DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL AS WELL." We're made to think that we need to be humble and to appreciate what we have but simultaneously to never be satisfied and always want something entirely other. Why is this? Because with satisfaction comes... misery? Most people I know say they are happy. I'm not happy. I'm satisfied. Happiness is an illusion, in my ever so humble opinion. There is satisfaction in knowing, though, that you are courageous, fulfilled, and actively pursuing that which makes you smile/laugh/generally have the most fun.

Why can't we wake up with our eyes open and actually just be grateful with the life we have, the body we have, the money we have, the decisions we have made, the fact that we have the right to make said decisions, the fact that we have the option to change our mind, the fact that a promise is not a life-long contract tying us down to someone that we've evolved past... I'm not advocating doing or saying things to actively hurt someone. But why do we have to actively hurt ourselves instead of actively supporting ourselves? Why can't we wake up with a decision to, I don't know, quit a job and not listen to the historical voice in our head (and the live voice of our worried grandmother) telling us that we have obligations which require financial dependence on a shit job that makes us miserable? It's absolutely asinine. 

We beat ourselves up. It's the wrong decision. Am I going to be judged if I make that decision? Will I be ignored if I make that decision? What if it's the right decision? The decision is taking too long. To that, I say what I said last night in a cute little bar in Nevada City to a gaggle of strangers and my one local friend, be patient. Everything happens when it is supposed to happen and as it is supposed to happen. While we can't passively wait for things to come to us we still need to be kind with ourselves and not have this immediacy Facebook-cultured expectations that are by far unrealistic for the years we live in this world. 

And with that I say, thank you my friends in San Francisco, Napa, and Nevada City for the kind hospitality. I'll see you soon Oregon.


Heather Kohos